Sunday, October 18, 2020

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Miss Shea

I don't really even know where to begin this blog. My heart is very conflicted right now. I knew going in to being a foster parent that reunification with the biological family is always the goal. Knowing that before you have been a foster parent to a child is VERY different than knowing it may be a possibility for a child who has been in your home for almost 13 months. 

 

What's the Main Goal of Foster Care?

The first five months of B being with me was absolutely a honey moon period. She was always on her best behavior. I did not know at the time, that she was in survival mode, a learned behavior of living in over 10 different places with countless different people in her short lifetime. At that time, foster parenting was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Around month 5, when she finally began to trust me, things got extremely difficult. I was a target of the rage that had been stuffed inside her for so long. I knew where the behavior came from, but it didn't make the days any easier. 


The end of the 5 month honeymoon period coincided with the beginning of the Covid quarantine. She was stuck in a house with someone she did not know yet if she could fully trust. After being hurt and let down so many times by so many adults, it is hard for her to be open to bond with another.  My need for Jesus was made more and more evident in these weeks and months following the honeymoon. I was hearing stories of things I could never imagine a kid would have to go through. She was trusting me enough to open up, which was an honor, but also such a heavy burden to carry. I had to continue to remind myself to give it to the Lord. I have learned through this that Secondary Traumatic Stress, also refereed to as Compassion Fatigue, is a REAL thing. It is "an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of others.  This is the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another.  Those most affected are loved ones, therapists, child welfare workers, case managers, caregivers, and other professionals who are so focused on the care of others that they neglect their own needs and are not practicing self-care." I was focused on her and not taking the time I needed with Jesus or just doing things I love and that fill my soul. I slowly began to do integrate it in. 

She also needed time away from me to be with people she was not expected to bond with.Thankfully in May we were able to get her into summer care, this gave both of us a much needed break from each other and made the time we were together so much sweeter. 

In May, after not hearing from family for 8 months, she began having zoom visits. This was bitter/sweet.  I was glad for B that she was able to talk with family, but I could tell it also caused a lot of confusion for her having to go back and forth between her mom and me. If you have ever seen the movie Instant Family, there is a lot of truth in how it goes after visits in that movie. I can't imagine having to process, as a child not being able to be with my biological parents. The visits have continued and mom is trying to do what she needs to in order to get B back. In July we found out an aunt was granted her motion to intervene, meaning aunt was wanting visitation rights as well as a chance at having B come live with her. B was told about this. Since July, there has been this turmoil for her not knowing if she will live with me, her aunt or her mom forever. It causes a lot of anxiety for both of us. She wants to be with her family and she wants to be with me. Of course, I want her to be with me, but also want her to have a chance to be with her biological family. It is just hard to believe that enough has changed in their situation that B will not be subjected to more trauma if she returns to them. I have learned so much about what UN-dealt with trauma does to generation after generation in a family. B and I pray every night that Jesus would rescue her parents and heal them. 

B had her first in person visit with her aunt this week, since coming into custody. She is again confused with hearing about the room her aunt had prepared for her to possibly come live in soon. She knows that ultimately the decision is left up to DCS and the courts. A trial home placement could begin where she goes back and forth from me to them or the judge could do a straight exit to her family. What a place to be in! She has no say in where she will be living in the coming weeks and months. 

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What I know to be true, in all of this uncertainty, is that she has soaked up so much of the love of Jesus while she has been in my care the last year. I know that no matter what happens she will always know that Jesus loves her and is there for her.

Please pray for this sweet girl and the upcoming court date December 2nd. Pray for the people making decisions that it would be in her favor for her best. 

 


 

 

P.S. About the title:

I have wanted to be a mom for a very long time. About a month ago B started going back and forth between calling me mom, mommy, mama and Miss Shea. Even though I have been caring or her in the capacity as mom for a year, it does not seem like she is talking to me when she says mom. I can't quiet wrap my brain around it. 

 

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