The Harderst Thing I Ever Loved

Word came last night that school will be canceled the rest of the year in Knoxville because of Covid 19. I was expecting this news with the way things have gone, but still, there is a range of emotions that come with it.

Becoming a first-time parent and first-time foster parent has come with a great deal of challenges and rewards. I knew going into foster care that it was going to be hard. Those closest to me who had fostered and adopted told me that it was going to be really difficult. Going into it, I thought I was prepared and knew for the most part what I was getting myself into. I don’t know if that’s how most new parents feel too. I have taught and had a great deal of experience with children in many other contexts throughout my life and I had been warned how hard foster care was going to be.  I very quickly realized how vast the amount I did not know was. I have continued to try and get my hands on everything I can that will help me be able to be a safe place for these kiddos, from reading and training to joining foster and adoptive moms’ support groups. 

With every new placement of a child in your home, there is a honeymoon period. Some are long and some are short. With my current placement, we had a very long 5-month honeymoon period which ended just as COVID 19 was beginning. Imagine a child who has already had so much trauma, most recently including being removed from family, friends, school and all that you have known. Now these kiddos are facing a very similar trauma of not being able to be at school; the place that has always been a safe place for them. They are suddenly not allowed to see the teacher and class that has become another family for them; and now the news that school will remain closed the rest of the year. It is so much for any child to handle, and even more for a kid who has already had so much trauma.

I have not yet broken the news to my little one that school will not be opening again this year. She is already struggling so much with being away from her family for over 6 months, with only a few visits. She is already hurting tremendously from the pain of not understanding why she can’t be with her family; friends and pets she loves. So much of her life is out of her control. She did not choose to be placed in foster care. She did not choose to have to leave her family at a moment’s notice. She did nothing wrong and yet she is having to deal with the consequences of someone else’s choices.

She speaks often of the pain in her heart; missing her family and not understanding why she has not been able to see any of them for so long. My heart breaks for her. It is so hard to see her in so much pain. Sometimes that pain looks like tears and sometimes that pain looks like screaming and throwing things. I need Jesus, so desperately, to help me to love her patiently and kindly in these moments when her pain comes as lashing out, instead of tears and sadness. Most of the time I can remember the trauma is what drives the behavior. During this quarantine as the behaviors continue to escalate and life is already crazy, it is hard to be patient and kind. Jesus lovingly showed me this morning, again, that I have been trying to be a foster mom in my own strength and ability; no wonder I am exhausted. If I am going to love her well; I have to have Jesus directing me and pouring his love through me. I have to be on my knees if I want to see redemption happen for her and her family    
Being home 24/7 as a single foster parent is extremely difficult because I don’t have anyone to tag in when I need a break. That being said I am also extremely grateful for this time that I can bond with my little one and help her work through some of the hard things she has experienced. I also love seeing how much she is soaking up the love of Jesus. I see it when she wants to pray at meals, when she says out of nowhere, “Jesus is always with us” or when she makes up her own worship songs about God’s love and faithfulness.

This is HARD work, but it is so worth it seeing her experience the love of Jesus.

We would really appreciate your prayers.