Opening the Door Again

It is hard to believe that I am approaching 2 years since sweet B left my home to return to her family. She taught me so much in the 15 months she was in my home. I have never prayed harder or relied on Jesus more than I did then. It was really hard to say goodbye to her, but I know Jesus will continue to water the seeds that were planted in that year. 

After a long break from being a foster parent, the Lord has put it on my heart to open my home again to vulnerable children in the foster system here in Midland. If I am honest, it was a more difficult yes this time around. Why? Because, this time I know what I am getting myself into (sort of). All that being said, I know that these kids need people like me and you to be willing to say yes to opening our hearts and providing a safe, loving, stable home where they can begin to heal from the deep trauma they have experienced in their lives. They need someone to be willing to love them no matter how their trauma history makes them act or believe. They need someone to live out the gospel in front of them so that they know there is hope for healing for not only them, but also their birth families. 

When I came onboard at The Attic Foster Network in April I was in some ways forced to deal with the grief that loosing B had caused. I had tried, as I often do, to put in a box to the side. When I jumped back in to learning more about the impact of trauma and hearing how desperately we need foster and adoptive homes here in the Permian Basin, I could not ignore the pain that was coming up dealing with saying goodbye to a little girl who called me mom for 15 months. I knew that I wanted to be able to foster again and I knew I needed to go to Jesus with my grief and pain. He has met me in so many sweet ways in the last 6 months. He has continued to bring healing in me and continues to prepare me for the children that he will bring in to my home very soon. 

I finished my last training class with High Sky Children's Ranch last night. In the coming weeks I will be finishing up all my inspections, paperwork, home study and licensing visits.  I would love your prayers as I continue this process. I need Jesus to work through me. I can not, nor do I want to do this on my own. 

3 Months Today Since I Said Goodbye to Sweet B

 

Today marks 3 months months since sweet little B left my home to go and live with her family. Today is not the way I thought it would be. Before B left there was much talk of me staying very involved with her even after she left my home. Per her therapist advice, I have mostly left the ball in their court on that. What I thought was going to look like frequent phone calls and sleep overs after she left my home has actually been 3 video chats; the last one over a month ago. 

When B first left I was surprised how easy it was. There were some tears but not like I thought there would be. I think I was holding on to there still being frequent visits and phone calls and it didn't seem real that she was gone from my home forever. Now that it has been a month since I have been able to communicate with her it is all hitting me. This little girl who called me Mama for a long while may never be in my home or seen by me again. Recent attempts at communication have gone unanswered. I believe days following my last few video calls with her were difficult for B and her family, as I know it was when she was with me and would have family visits. Her behavior changes as she tries to make sense of it all and is torn wanting to be in two places at once. She loves her family and wants to be with them, as she should, but also loves and misses the time she had with me. Again, I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to go through this as a child. 

 

I continue to send her letters, cards and pictures. I want her to know that she is loved by the people who invested in her for 15 months including myself, my family and many friends. My niece and nephew have made many pictures and notes to send along to her. 

I pray and believe that the love of Jesus she encountered while in my home, will continue to carry her through transitions into her new normal. She knows that she knows that Jesus loves her and he is always there! All those long bedtime routines including bible stories and chats about Jesus are one of the ways I am so grateful she encountered the Gospel consistently and in a way that was appropriate for her age. I  will always think of her when I see The Jesus Story Book Bible, Loved, Don't Forget to Remember and Who Sang the First Song! 

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Miss Shea

I don't really even know where to begin this blog. My heart is very conflicted right now. I knew going in to being a foster parent that reunification with the biological family is always the goal. Knowing that before you have been a foster parent to a child is VERY different than knowing it may be a possibility for a child who has been in your home for almost 13 months. 

 

The first five months of B being with me was absolutely a honey moon period. She was always on her best behavior. I did not know at the time, that she was in survival mode, a learned behavior of living in over 10 different places with countless different people in her short lifetime. At that time, foster parenting was not as difficult as I thought it would be. Around month 5, when she finally began to trust me, things got extremely difficult. I was a target of the rage that had been stuffed inside her for so long. I knew where the behavior came from, but it didn't make the days any easier.